Saturday, July 9, 2016

Up Shit Creek Without a Paddle

Anyone who reads my blog knows I like to swear - I’ve said it many times before: It’s the only vice I have left.

And this week I might swear more than I usually do because our sewer pipe got well and truly blocked… To add to the complications it’s school holidays here in Australia, so there are a number of reasons that this has well and truly sucked. But in an effort to “stay positive” and not loose my mind, I thought I’d compile a list of surprising advantages… so here they are!

1. I now have a cesspit in my garden.
Cesspits are going to be the new water feature. Forget fire pits, vertical gardens and outdoor rooms - cesspits are about to become totally ‘on trend’ in 2016. Just think - you never need to waste money on fertiliser and your citrus trees will go totally berko with all the nitrogen - just think of all the extra margaritas you’ll be able to make!
I’ve also heard that raspberries grow really well in untreated sewage too, and if you have surplus you can freeze them and export to countries that don’t have mandatory food labelling in place yet!

2. Crapper Problem: We couldn’t flush a toilet for 3 days… 

On the bright side, we’ve spent a lot of time in cafes, parks and ‘dropping in’ on friends who have working toilets and who are having great fun sending me text messages with the ‘poo’ emoji. Thanks guys.

3. "Glamping" in Hunters Hill.

We’ve had to wash up in buckets, wear the same clothes for days and have gone through a hell of a lot of hand sanitiser… On the bright side, the kids are getting a feel for what it’s like to go camping, albeit with television.

4. Pauline's Verbal Diarrhoea...

Speaking of television - this has to be the most constipated election result in living memory. Can’t they just take a few Laxettes and get on with it all? The shit will most definitely hit the fan when Pauline gets going in the Senate, I just hope it doesn’t in our house... That would be my limit.

5. Position Vacant: Nightman

Here's some heartwarming history for you! New York in 1844, Manhattan alone produced nearly 800,000 cubic feet of excrement - it was collected in buckets by the person known as the nightman and carted away, some to be used as fertiliser on country farms, the rest dumped in the river creating a stinking, festering shoreline, or sometimes just in the street. This well paid profession continued until the end of the century when municipal sewers were built.

The bill from the plumber to fix our crapper problem is $5,000. I can’t think of a bright side to this, it’s just crap no matter which way you look at it.

Tell me, have you reached your limit yet these school holidays?

PS. If you're wondering why I'm wearing a suit in the picture it's because, inspired by Cleaver Greene, I thought I might run for the senate - why not? I'd represent working mothers, coz let's face it we fix everything most of the time anyway, don't we? And we are mean multi-taskers - we'd have the environment and the economy sorted in the time it takes to pack a few school lunches, and clean up this MESS of an election, just tell Pauline 'if she's got nothing nice to say then don't say it at all please'? 
And didn't anyone tell Malcolm 'sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never harm me?' - tell him to stop sulking in the corner about the dirty Mediscare campaign and get out and have a bit of FUN with the people! As for that Bill Shorten, he's a cheeky one you can tell already, I'd keep a good eye on him, up to mischief he'll be as soon as you turn your back, but nothing a bit of time on the naughty spot won't fix, trust me! 
PPS. If you have a dog instead of a child that's okay too, you're definitely a working mum! 
Life Love and Dirty Dishes

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