Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Cerebral Cortex VS Clitoris

One of my earliest memories is of driving across the Harbour Bridge with my parents – a song came on the radio, it was ‘I Was Made For Loving You’ by KISS. I realised something, and a question arose from me: ‘Why are all songs about love?’

My parents glanced at each other and shared a knowing chuckle. One day I would understand they said.

They were right. Not long after this revelatory musical moment I watched Raiders of The Lost Ark. I was in love with Dr Jones by the time he started shouting ‘Jock! Start the Engine!’, a tribe of Amazonian Indians in hot pursuit. My seven year old heart was beating faster than the pizzicato strings of the score. Everything about Indiana – his roguish dialogue and 5 o'clock shadow, the scar on his chin and his adorable fear of snakes, made me dizzy with longing. Raiders of The Lost Ark was the top-grossing film of 1980 – it was hard work earning that much pocket money, let me tell you.

But there’s only so much interaction you can have with a Smash Hits centrefold… Urged on by oestrogen, out of eyeshot of my father, I went hunting for a real boy.

Most of the boys I had access to were private school boys – they all looked appealing in uniform, but when caught in my sights they were like timid gazelle. And let’s face it, who bothers to visit gazelles when they go to the zoo? No one, well not me anyway. I wanted a boy who would stop me in my tracks, I wanted one that would keep my interest longer than the time it took to finish my chocolate sundae.

I met my husband when I was 20, it was love at first sight and we courted like crocodiles – I was hooked. We loved each other to the point of loathing at times, and after ten years decided to cement our relationship with marriage – it was like a mobster burial, and we’re stuck in it, for better or for worse. Our relationship hasn’t always been easy, but it’s never been dull.

So today, on Valentine’s Day, I’m dedicating a special request to my husband – ‘I Was Made For Loving You’ by KISS. Except that tonight I won’t be giving it all to him (because we have children in the house), and in the darkness the only thing I want to do is watch Married At First Sight, because there’s nothing more entertaining when you’ve been in a twenty year relationship than watching these couples.

The brides frequently say, ‘I thought he’d be taller...’ and I am overcome with desire to slap them with a King Cock Extra Girthy dildo – ‘You can order a plastic penis online any day girls, even in different colours, but you can’t buy personality!’

It’s true what fairy godmother's say – If you’re looking for love, follow your heart – but I say trust your cerebral cortex over your clitoris.

Which classic song are you dedicating to your love this Valentine’s Day?
The Secret Diary of Agent Spitback

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