Saturday, August 6, 2016

Aye Aye Captain!

It occurred to me that it’s been a long time since I’ve seen a penis other than my husband's...

This week there were photos bouncing around the internet of Orlando Bloom “COMPLETELY NAKED” paddle boarding with Katy Perry. The photo was censored with a black box over his privates, which was fine by me actually, because the photo itself was hilarious with Katy Perry sitting up front seemingly oblivious, looking towards the horizon, which is where I would look too if I knew there was a naked man standing at half mast directly behind me… I mean, where would you look in that situation?

There was much discussion online about the ‘shadow’ on Orlando’s leg... Looking at the photo in such detail felt like a creepy version of ‘Spot The Difference’. I was happy just seeing that photo, I didn't need to see anymore.

But then the uncensored photo came out… To be honest when I clicked on it, it was more like a dare - I thought, “They don’t show nipples on Instagram, surely they won’t show a naked wiener…” and then my jaw hit the keyboard.

That’s when my husband walked in and said, “Jesus Kate, what are you looking at?”

“I’m just doing research,” I stammered, “For my blog…”

“Mmm-hmmm.” He cocked an eyebrow and left me to it, but I didn’t want to look at the internet anymore, I couldn’t un-see what I had just seen. 
It reminded me of other awful things I’d been exposed to because of the internet like Miley Cyrus twerking and Minion dildos, and it reminded me of the time I let Tom and Charlotte look at pictures with Google Images on my work computer to keep them still for a minute or two while I mopped the floor upstairs. 

Charlotte was too young to type so she told Tom what to look for and he typed them in one finger at a time…

“Put in ‘unicorn’…

“Put in ‘fairy queen’…

“Put in ‘cute pussy’…

A shriek left my throat, the mop clattered to the ground, I stumbled down the stairs three and four at a time, “Right! That’s it! OFF my computer! Everyone off!” Tom gave Charlotte that look to say ‘Mum’s lost her marbles again, c’mon….’

I’m still feeling squeamish, serves me right for taking the click-bait, I’ve seen one too many penises… Would I look at the picture again? Who knows, as Bob Dylan says: "The answer is blowin’ in the wind."


Here's the link to the uncensored photo on mirror.co.uk pervey friends!

Tell me: What have you seen that you wish you could un-see?
All Mum Said

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