Nip Tuck Tuk Tuk

Charlotte has turned into the Walking Dead, she wanders the house after everyone’s asleep, roaming the corridors into the early hours of the morning, leaving lights on in every room, hair dishevelled, face pale and ghostly. 

We went to see the Ear Nose & Throat specialist yesterday, it’s not a zombie virus turning her into the undead, it’s her tonsils. They need to come out.

"12 months waiting list," says the doctor. We don’t have private health cover, never have, my husband and I are anarchists or socialists or something at heart. We pay taxes and only go to the hospital if we’re dying. 

“I might take her to Thailand to get them out,” I joke. 

He laughs but says seriously that she’d probably need to stay there for three weeks post-op. 'Fucking brilliant,' I think to myself.

The receptionist has a sense of humour, “You could get a boob job while you’re there too!” she says.

“Ha ha ha!” I laugh, “And a facelift!"

Three weeks in Thailand! A tonsillectomy holiday - what a crazy brilliant idea!

I picture my daughter and I recovering on matching hospital gurneys in some stunning cosmetic surgery resort place in Thailand. My daughter well-rested and happy, me looking twenty years younger with my eyebrows permanently stapled into an expression of surprised delight. 

Why not take the whole family? Tim needs a vasectomy, Tom needs serious dental work, Hunter could do with a circumcision… I wonder if they take animals too? Curly has a big lump that I’m too scared to get removed by a vet in case I need to remortgage my house… 

“Are you out of your mind?” Tim says when I tell him. 

'Yeah, a bit…’ I think, ‘but no more than usual…’ 

I tell him about a documentary I once saw, an eighty year old Thai surgeon doing sex changes, “If someone has the skills to turn a penis into a vagina they could do a tonsillectomy on their lunch break!”

Want to bring your family on my Nip Tuck Tuk Tuk holiday? Tell me in the comments what you'd get done!